::JUSTDonal:: IL SIGNE

Sports, sports, sports, sports!!

2007-04-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the lack of posting in the last couple of weeks, I know it must seem a little foolish considering the fanfare that greeted my comeback column last time.

However, I have got my reasons. I've been busy lounging down in South Africa and catching up with old buddies in Dublin over the past three weeks or so. South africa's a lovely place and you really should visit, just watch where you go. It's a bit dodgy, let's leave it at that.

This column is in fact inspired in a way by my time(11 days to be exact...I think) down in the lower hemisphere. You see they're mad for the cricket down there and with the cricket world cup being in full flow at the minute it's big news down round the bottom of Africa.
Of course I've never been the type to turn my nose up a trying my hand at something a bit new so when I was asked to play a game or two I jumped at the chance.
I had a pretty good idea of how to play from my last visit down there about 7 years ago so I didnt have the usual phobia most have. In fairness it's a bitch of a game to understand at first but once you get to grips with it(which can be done in about 5-10 mins) it's great stuff. Well it is to play anyway,watching a full day's game can take serious dedication.

Of course, when i came back to the emerald isle you'd all gone cricket crazy.
Bunch of bandwagoners. typical Irish event junkies. goons.
Eh...anyway,I put the idea to a couple of the lads that a game of cricket would be great craic. Just go to a field for a day and booze WHILE playing. Obviously the last couple of guys up to bat would have slightly diminished reaction times but it's all part of the fun. My idea was shot down,quickly(well a couple were interested but you need a fair few to have a decent game,and i wasnt that bothered by not playing.)

So,I got to thinking about how one or two sports are in a dire need of some rule altering to make them more attractive to your average goon. First for the revamp...Cricket obviously.

How about instead of the slow paced, measured approach batters take they are forced to run once every two shots. This means much less picking and choosing which to run for and so means less of us watching nothing happen.
Also, I personally would like to see both teams allowed field at once.
Tackling is of course allowed and encouraged. So the team at bat must block the fielding team from catching the ball while also defending the wickets with american football style blocking. Put those rules in palce and we've got a serious winner here folks.

Next,GOLF!! This is a little trickier but how about we get teams of golfers, and I dont mean in a match play sense, (Oh, by the way, we'll probably need to scrap traditional golf courses too.) get a fairly huge playing field and set up goals much like in Aussie rules.
There is one ball and one team will start from their end of the pitch. Well one guy will, the rest position themselves in a way much like in football. Defenders, attackers etc.
Here's how it works,one player tees off and basically wellies it up the pitch. The other players must then race to where the ball lands and whoever touches the ball first gains posession. All other players must then allow a free shot and so on, scores are achieved by hitting the ball over/between the posts or some other form of goal. You'll need big strong hitters at the back, fit ball winning midfielders and accurate finishers up front. It might be an idea to use heavier golf balls or something to reduce the distance the ball can go.
It's not much use having a pitch 1km long, is it?

Now we come to, American football...take the fucking pads off and quit stopping play every 6 seconds. It's worse than cricket.

Anymore ideas? Well...keept them to yourself!

Laters-

Oh and by the way, when playing cricket I bowled four wickets and scored 62 not out. Was quite pleased with that,even if it wasnt a game of the highest standard.

Back soon

I'm back!! But not for long...

2007-03-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well well well...some said it would never happen and that those who thought it would were a bunch of dreamers. Many said I was finished here, that the site had died(which it almost would have were it not for the last minute intervention of a very generous benefactor who wished to see the justdonal tradition continue) and that with the blocking of my column all my past works were lost. Basically i was history, badly badly recorded history.

But it seems I finally got myself back on justdonal.

I think it's best if we re-count the dramatic last few months in the justdonal world.

Due to me leaving Ireland a few months back I didn't really have time to piece together finely crafted columns and what with me being a perfectionist and all I decided it was best to shy away from the whole scene until i was fully prepared to return.(Also the Reds almost died so i wasn't in a very good mood for a very long time.)
Of course the good people living IN the internet decided that if I wasn't going to post then I could just fuck right off. So they shut me down.

It wasn't until last week when I was talking to justDonal himself in a bar in town that he informed of a way to get my spot back. It was a crazy scheme to say the least and as Donal had feared we did lose several good good men in the ensuing operation but somehow it worked. Just about, but it worked damn it.

Although contact between justdonal contributors has been scarce since the bombing of the justdonal towers towards the end of the summer I can offer you sketchy details of the other members' current activities.

JustDonal has become a one man media machine, hiring and firing media whores with all the joy of a whore on everybody else's payday. Rumours abound that he has bedded 1,369 aspiring pop-stars in the last day. He currently lives in a 12 storey house which floats on a small raft just outside Howth harbour, the house was formerly the viewing area of the justdonal towers.
He has also obtained seventeen cats, four dogs, eleven budgies and one giant sloth. For what purposes no one yet knows.

StrictlyJonathan has disappeared to the east. Last seen at the entrance to a bank in Paris there are rumours he has set up a criminal extortion ring using the many telecommunications and, more importantly, criminal skills he learnt during his time working alongside 'Mr.Westie' Vincent Gray at 11850.
Many believe he has 'gone native' in a very Kurtz sort of way. Soem say he now lives off of the interest of his succesful bank raids in a small cottage on Ireland's eye and has employed a doppleganger to maintain his partying rep. I havent seen him in a long long time so can't really comment.

Maybe Roisin could give us a more accurate update?

BasicallyBrian has been in a dark and depressive state since his finger healed to the point where a scar was no longer obvious. He had been disconsolate when he realised the bombing had left his fingers unscathed.
Without anything to talk about he has shut himself off from the world, only making the odd appearance to get very drunk in a corner somewhere while grumbling like an old man.
It is now his trademark move to fall asleep with a half drunk pint of Smithwicks in his hand at any party he might attend. He is also owed a birthday present from myself and Pablo. If anyone finds where he has been hiding could they please relay details to either myself or Pau...actually no,just tell me.We don't want any 'accidents',now do we?

Viva...La...Pablo has had a rough few months. He has had to deal with the loss of myself from his everyday life, a battle which he freely admits almost sent him demented with boredom from talking to sane people all day long.
Following this there were some highlights amidst a dark cloud of lows. The Reds won the league by beating Bohs(a.k.a The Scum) 2-1 at home on the last day of the season in front of a shockingly packed Tolka park.
The celebrations were magnificent with Sean Dillon running back up the podium to cheer on a rendition of "Dillon me softly" and a succesful attempt to fit 12 of us into the fourth officials dugout with pints in hand.We gave ourselves a well deserved pat on the back a la The Commiments after that one. (God im getting shivers just remembering the game.Ah the glory days, eh?)
However both Paul and Shelbourne's good times did not last long. Within weeks they were both once again nearing the brink of extinction.
Paul descended into an ill-advised binge of hairy women and and a penchant for bright pants which ultimately left him both mentally and physically scarred. He then lost several succesive Boccelli cup games in the few brief moments during which he did see me as he watched his arch-nemesis(me,again) stroll to an unprecedented 10 TITLES. In between these there was also the 6-2 humilaition at my hands in the final of the Al Reynolds Invitational Cup, which was held in Liverpool earlier this year. Following the disintegration of his professional career he even fox-trotted with the poorly judged idea of quitting college. As Brian would say "Oh Paul,it's an awfully silly thing to do." (I wouldn't say that you see,but Brian did...a few times.)

Of course as they say, the darkest hour comes before the dawn and fuck me i've never seen a dawn like this before.
The Reds got relegated, many outside Shelbourne laughed at our peril...those of us on the inside fucking danced. We knew we'd be awful this year but never in our wildest dreams did we dare dream we'd be this awful. We are at this moment both the current league champions and Irish representatives in the Champions League while also being the LOWEST ranking side in Irish football. That my friends is unparalelled heroism.You couldn't write this shit. It's even too far fetched for Dream team.

With three games played we're bottom of the first division and quite possibly having the time of our lives. The idea of travelling down to Cobh for a game on a Saturday at 2.30 in the afternoon is the idea that saved Pablo. Can you imagine it? Leaving Tolka at 6 in the morning,drinking by 6.07, drunk before half 7/8. All for an away game in Cobh(which we might miss because i can see disembarking the bus after 7 hours drinking being a bit tricky),and best thing of all is i'll be home for that one. Oh it's almost too heroic to comprehend.

As the world's most heroic games against Wexford youths and Limerick 37 come nearer we hope to see VLP making a full recovery. And maybe even a return to justDonal?

If anyone is in contact with any of the other columnists could they please tell them their presence is sorely needed around here...

If anyone is drinking with Barry Gallagher in the future could they please attach some form of recording device to him so we can listen back to the incredible comments he comes up with when he's pissed?
There'll be plenty of quotes up here from that man over the next few weeks.

-More Soon Muchachos-Liverpool-Dublin-Cape Town-Rome

Test

2007-03-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

Test

Tu es madres

2006-07-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

Steak.

Right so here i am now,gonna go for a bit of a challenge here. I'm in Cian's house (you kno cian right? Laid back guy, says man and dude alot-can often be found in the company of large clouds of smoke and wheelie bins. You know the guy.) and as i write this on his laptop he's off somewhere on the fourteenth floor having a 'shower' (or so he says,hmmm) and i've decided to see if i can pop out a column in the time it takes him to get spakled up. Let's go...

So even though my world cup predictions have been painfully brilliant and i ahve cemented my reputaton as some form of pagan god i decided i'd be best of doing a World cup review column once the whole affair is done with on Sunday evening. In lieu of this big Dub (W) C column i'll just let you all know of my current involvement in one of the all time great exploitations of the working man.

As many of you know i now work in the convenience capital of Howth, Collins Centra. A beacon of middling prices and many many different forms of cheese it may be to you all but in recent times it has become my own personal prison.
I am currently in the afternoon limbo between days 6 and 7 of my 16 day straight stretch of working days. Yes, i ahe to ork 16 days before i get a day off, and even then it'll only be a monday. My kingdom for a sunday lie-in.
You see it was decided that i would be entrusted with running the deli while the Deli 'manager' was on 'holidays' and i had to work her weekday shifts of 7 am - 2pm everyday. Not my idea of fun but i figured i'd do it anyway if only to avoid rocking the SS Centra.

Now here's where we get to the twist in the tail, the chink in the armour, the screw in the tuna.
I was put on her 5 days but in what can only be described as a cynical attempt by the managment to gain more female customers i have been made work my own weekend shifts on top of this. For two weeks. So we're looking at a 55-60 hour week this week and more of the same in the upcoming sestet of solar revolutions. On top of all that i've really been screwed over in a much more painful way. The deli 'manager' usually has an assistant deli hand type of person who would come in to work from 9-1 each day to allow her get the menial tasks out of the way such as health and safety checks, cleaning, ordering food etc. Now, she has many years of Deli exprience so she knows the job fairly well but i still don't think she'd be too happy about working on her own with the workload in the deli every day.
I on the other hand have NO deli experience so sure didn't they decide to stop with this whole assistant buzz on my first day. Some say i should take it as a compliment that i'm thought highly enough of to handle it. I don't. You think the communist revolution in Cuba first started off as a few lads saying 'Ah sure they only ask us to work so much because they value us so much!'
I'm paid to work until 2 but for the last 4 days have been lucky to get everything done before 3 that day. Were it not for the hilarious intervention of our very own Cian on Tuesday i could only have dreamt of getting out by the half 2 we finally left at. I am not une tres happy cameprre. made up that last word so i did.

So if any of you do see me around during these next few days and I seem to be in some sort of zombie like waking coma don't be too worried, it's just the stress of chopping onions seeping out. I hate chopping onions, really fucks with my eyes- i have awfully sensitive eyes.
I suppose one positive is that if you ever happen to be at a party (god i remember when i had the time to go to parties) and fancy a professionally made snack just give me an auld nudge/wink. I'm a professional sandwhich maker now don't ya know. God i hate chicken tikka. Knackers eat deli food, i've been doing a sociological study on the side. It's conclusive. The downtrodden love the reheated.
Oh and if you ever actually saw how those breakfast roll ingredients start out i doubt you would ever eat a jumbo breakfasst roll again. Don't get me started on the BUCKET of mayonnaise. It...willl...make...you...wretch. Steve Hughes saw me reload the mayo dish and went white. He then told me to cancel the mayo from his order. No more of the white stuff for Hughesy. Stick to the coke Hughesy.

Right i can hear Cian getting on the lift (or ELEVATOR if you will) so i best wrap this up. I hate wrapping sandwiches. I hate wrapping baps even more. I hate wrapping wraps most of all.
Spare a thought for me as you lie in bed and i slowly position myself for an untimely demise. I don't want any cold meats at my funeral. In fact it's vealall round. I'm fuckin serious, one piece of turkey or ham(don't you love the way polish chicks say ham? ah it's great.) and i'm coming back and haunting you all on alternate weekends. Then nobody gets any lie ins ever again. Deal? Be sure to keep your end of the bargain.

Were any of you at Nick's 18th bday in my house? Hands up who saw the full blown lezz out show in the back garden? Wasn't that fuckin great.
Shame those two cows were such cunts who loved themselves so much?Well...actually...Maybe that's why they went after each other's c...nah never mind.

I should probably tone it down a little. That is until this becomes a subscription column. Oh then the gloves are off.

-Amores Perros-Ciano is a hero-Vetra, Vetra, fafangullo-

-I'm off to get a big red flag, some pamphlets and a soap box. Meet me in Tiannamen square at six-

Swanny

That Sylvia Plath one is a bit of a hero

2006-06-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

So there i was about to head off to Lithuania thinking "Right so,i'll bang up a couple of columns while i'm over there. Should be nice n entertaining for everyone."
Well things happened, i failed to make it anywhere near a requisite level of creativity and so just spent a few days in a stupor of blurry alcoholism and near vintage one liners. Twas fantastic.

I thought about telling it all once i got back but there's alot i could never repeat here. We did however pull off one of the great escapes and manage to accquire eight of the finest breakfasts ever made from the most luxurious/expensive hotels in Lithuania through a daring move under the name of a certain Irish Journalist. That's all i can say. For now.

So i'm just throwing this little ditty up to make sure everyone knows i'm still alive after my quest in the former eastern bloc.

Before i go let's have a look at how my World Cup pedictions are working out...

So you all thought i was crazy huh? Well it seems my top nine teams have all performed admirably. The only exceptions being that Holland finished runner up to Argentina, a team i have as favourites-but more on them later, and France have gone and done exactly what i said they wouldn't. But they're French so that's hardly my fault. Another D-Day is what need is what i say, thin out their numbers. TO NORMANDY!!!!!
Now, of my potential surprise packages Sweden have done well and gave England quite a good game.
Mexico have made it to the second round but look like going to down to The Falklands, my favourites. See how it's all working out.

Ukraine, well sure they got a spanking from Spain but now they're looking pretty for the second round and like i said an eventual quarter final spot.

Japan,well ok they fell on their own samurai sword but lets not let that take away from the fact that they led Brazil for about the length of time it takes to boil an egg/Ronaldo to turn and shoot.

And the Ivory Coast are out. Looked unlucky though- someone has to die in the group of death,otherwise it would be the group of eternal life.

However, and this is my biggest point, I did promote the Italians and The Falklands as favourites. I also pointed out that England and Brazil aint that great-if you've been watching events unfurl in Deutschland, Germany then you'll know i'm a big feckin genius.

Who wants to touch me? I SAID WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME?!!!!
Oh you do have to love these fillers, mainly because they're getting awful frequent these days.

Ok, ok, i'll tell ya one story from Lithuania.

I'll set the scene- we had just left the hotel on our very first night-time outing in Vilnius. The decision about where we would go was heavily influenced by Paul and (the other) Eoin who were keen on watching a few titties bounce around. So me and Iano begrudgingly allowed them to drag us to a strip club. "Just for one" we said, course we did.
As we entered throught he thick shiny, black, metal door with a NO GUNS sign on the wall beside it Paul felt his Pervy sense kick in and bursted out with "This is no strip club, this is a brothel(and a sham and a fix...and a farce.)"
Right so it cost us over 20 euros each to get in, thats a full night out in Vilnius, and then thems brassers swarmed on us.
There was a menu and everything,great service.
Oh it was horrible, tits and snatches everywhere. You couldn't swing a cat in that place without it ending stuck in something. God it was horrific. So anyway me and Iano left. Jibbed it. Without paying for our drinks might i add.
Now from here on in the exact details of what ahppened next are not quite clear but from what i heard (the other)Eoin ran out of money and foolishly fell for it when one of the Rugs told him she'd follow him to the hotel and do him for free. Al he had to do was leave and she's follow him. He did.She didn't.
Viva La PAblo on the other hand was a totally different kettle of fish...he stayed,oh how he did stay.
He disputes certain points of this story but the way it's told now is that...
He fell asleep in a brothel,while on top.
Even UEFA know about it at this stage.
Ok he wasn't on top but he did fall asleep on his own for close to one whole hour and the brassers just sat there and laughed at him while taking from his pockets. I'll let him tell you all about what he got stuck in on the last night.I could never describe the fear without actually being there.

In other news, Lithuanian women are amazingly fantastically sexy and there are few things better than watching to of them dance together and wear the face off each other to Shakira's 'Hips don't lie' ditty. Oh to be the air between those lips. Best thing ever. And I include double sided tape in that.

-I could well be back,you might not-

Swanny

Let's make this a Ryanair turnaround

2006-06-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

So we're all doing world cup columns are we?

Well no, we weren't but now we are because I’m jumping right on the bandwagon and hopefully I can do it with my own usual twists n such.I won't try and advocate gambling in the same way Basically Brian has or predict the way all the groups will go like Strictly Jonathan has.

I will however say one thing, Brian-I agree with you on most points but I will personally call to your house soon to smack you for discounting the Italians at this early stage.

England aside I would say they are the only team with a defensive unit capable of handling Brazil and in true Azzuri style they will probably only need one goal to win any game, not hard to come by with Toni, Totti, Cassano and Del Piero in the side.
Forza Azzuri.

S'SHUT UP!!!!

This attack may be in some way related to you trotting past Centra on Sunday morning without coming in to say hi. Myself, Jonathan and Mann Marie were all quite shocked. Then Mann Marie fell in love with a croissant.

Anyway, back to the World Cup. First off let's take a look at what the first few days have shown us...It seems that England may have got all that hype out of their system and realised they just aren't as good as they think. They need an own goal against Paraguay?
No top class holding midfielder, no fully fit/internationally proven striker and Joe Cole at his falling over best?
Brazil must be shitting themselves.

Then again...Brazil actually ain't lookin too hot either. Well they are, just not as scintillatingly scorching as everyone (myself included) thought they did a few months back.
Why? Well...
Roberto Carlos and Cafu have reached the age where they get senior citizen discounts on the team bus,
Ronaldo has obviously been doing his best to get himself rounder in an ill-educated attempt to improve aero-dynamics,
it looks like Dida might have hit the smack (he's on the brown) in the last six months at Milan,
some joker threw Ze Roberto in the starting XI and...
it is rumoured Brazil have finally realised that they need to focus on what they can and can't do well, as a result all central defenders claiming Brazilian nationality were shot so none could be selected.
Little known fact: In Brazil they call they area between the keeper and the midfield 'The Bermuda triangle', some funny shit happens in there.
England must be shitting themselves.

Then of course there's Ze Germans. Not looking too good, I mean really-who lets in two against Costa 'I bet you thought Wanchope was dead' Rica? Germany do. That being said of course they are the host nation and what with it being held in Germany that means they're all Germans, well not all of them but most of them, so they're sure to be frustratingly hard to get rid of. It took Churchill six years, Ronaldinho only has four weeks.
Fans of entertainment must be shitting themselves.

So if the two favourites(according to the bookies) and the hosts are not quite as solid as months of tabloid frenzy have been telling us then who else might stand a chance of sneaking a surprise win?

Well it seems France have been written of since they drew with Israel in Paris almost two years ago but any team with Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira and Zinedine Zidane can't be completely dismissed.
Yes, Zidane is nowhere near the mercurial god he was six or eight years ago but if he can recapture his past greatness for even just a couple of seconds in any one game then they can score against anyone. I don't think they're quite finished just yet.

Spain seem to have failed to impress in big tournaments enough times that we've all finally decided to ignore them but in Torres, Raul and the relatively little known David Villa they have plenty of attacking options which will be backed up by the machine-like precision of Xabi Alonso pulling the flamenco strings from midfield and with Iker 'im a robot' Cassilas in goal it will be hard to beat them. If they play as well as they can (and that's an if about as big as Ronaldo's belly) then this could be the time when the take the step up from second tier contenders to one of the top teams in world football.
Hang on...anyone else getting a sense of deja vu?

Holland are a little like Spain in that they have always been seen as outside favourites but this time they have taken a different approach by dropping many big names in favour of players playing their football in Holland and it seems to have worked as this is the first time in about 137 years that they haven't all ripped each others throats out in the build up to the tournament.
Also like Spain, they have a couple of youngish lads in the shape of Wesley Sneijder and Dirk Kuyt who are relatively unknown on the world stage and stand to be potential secret weapons.
Holland are unbeaten in competitive matches under Van Basten and seem a good bet to go further than expected.
Potential semi finalists but should at least give us a whopper grudge match quarter final against their perennial enemies Germany.

Now I’m going to stick my neck out on this one, I’m going for the Argies.
Argentina have started well with a win against a very handy Ivory Coast side and with Messi, Riquelme, Crespo, Ayala, Heinze and Carlos Tevez they definitely have the ability to go all the way. This talent coupled with the drive harvested from their shameful first round exit four years ago makes them a formidable force.
Many have said that in Veron's abscence they lack leadership and experience but it seems that the football world has been taken by storm by players like Rooney and Messi- players who play without fear. Fear/caution often comes from too much knowledge/experience.
In a nice twist the draw also favours them, they can't meet Brazil (a team most likely to know the way around them due to many previous victories) until the final, if they win their group. The main question is if they rely too heavily on Riquelme, as teams around him often do, can he hold his nerve or will he bottle it as he did in the Champions league semi-final against Arsenal?

Of the other teams who I don't quite fancy to pose a real threat but still could cause the odd famous upset i'm going for Ukraine, Sweden, Mexico, The Ivory Coast, Japan and just for Strictly Jonathan- South Korea.

Ukraine didn't win a qualifying group with Denmark, Greece and Turkey for nowt and with an often unheralded sturdy defense backing up Andriy 'I used to be a Milanese legend/almost a god but now i'm a filthy gold digger playing for the most boring team in football, and in doing so have really REALLY upset Eoin and Paul' Shevchenko they will very possibly reach the quarter finals. Where Brazil will give them a spanking, probably.
Then Shevchenko will sign for Brazil.

Sweden may have drawn with Tinidad and Tobago (possibly the most heroic team to play in the world cup ever) but they played some very nice football and can be a delight to watch. Not a huge fan of Ibrahimovic (cos he's a bit of a knacker) but he's handy enough. Seems to be the first centre forward over the height of six foot to play with total control of his limbs.
Then of course there's Henrik.
A very strong team spirit and some fantastic attacking players. Could very well beat a Rooney-less England. And sure if that happens what's to stop them?

Mexico have silently snuck up on world football with a team made up of many players still plying their trade several thousand miles from the tv cameras of Europe and scored for fun on the way to the finLed by Barca's very impressive Marquez they will pose a much greater threat to big names than in previous years. After all they did beat Brazil 3-1 last year. Wouldn't it be great if they beat the U.S in the second round? Ah of course it would. Coronas all round please.

The Ivory Coast (also known as the elephants for some reason) are technically rated as Africa's second best nation (after losing to Tunisia in the African Nations cup final) but few would doubt their claims to being the best team to come from the continent in a good few years.
With the ever disgusting cheater Didier Drogba they have a hugely talented, if horribly annoying, frontman and in Didier Zokora, Emanuel Eboue and those mischievous Toure brothers they have a solid midfield and defense. If they weren't so good their group wouldn't be called the group of death.

Japan have been getting better and better with every passing tournament and they showed at the confederations cup that they can mix it with the big boys without resorting to thuggish tactics but rather playing attractive attacking football.This could be the tournament where Celtic's Nakamura becomes a lucrative name of Nakata status. If all goes according to plan for Japan we may not see him in a Celtic shirt again.
Which would be a shame; according to the Celtic fans “he eats chow mein and he votes Sinn Fein.” At least it would mean Aidan McGeady wouldn't have to scrub his boots anymore. (Note to Deco: he doesn't actually clean his boots, it’s a figure of speech.)

South Korea: Jonathan seems to think they're gonna do well. He really believes in them!

So here's the final breakdown

Potential Winners:
Brazil, England, Argentina, Italy, Germany

Sleeping giants who could wake up any minute now:
Holland, Spain, France, Portugal

Potential cheeky upstarts:
Sweden, Ukraine, Japan, Ivory Coast, South Korea (?) and Mexico.

Teams we probably won't even remember playing once the group stages finish:
Paraguay, Switzerland, Tunisia

Eastern European teams:
Croatia, Czech Republic, Serbia and (used to be) Montenegro, Poland

Will probably bomb the Germans if they don't win:
Take a guess.of.A

Who let them in?
Togo, Ghana, Togo, Iran, Togo, Angola, Togo, Saudi Arabia

Teams I thought were shit until they beat Poland:
Ecuador

We cloned Paulo Wanchope:
Costa Rica

Australians:
Australia

Heroes, absolute heroes:
Trinidad and Tobago- god i hope they win it.

Think I got everyone there.

Well that was very long, took me quite awhile in fact. Hope the football fans of you out there enjoyed it.

I hope some of you disagree, I’m sure Deco and Basically Brian will-they disagree with everything I say. Let me know if you do. Don't be surprised if you get smacked upside the head though. Can't say I didn't warn ya.

Finally-Aine if you have read this far then you are truly my biggest fan as I’m sure none of this could have interested you. So here's the deal, you constantly complain that I never mention you, well if you let me know that you read this column before next Tuesday then I will gladly devote an entire column to you. Here's your big chance Jacko, hope you take it.
Oh by the way, it’s no good if you just say you read it, I’ll be checking to make sure you STUDIED it.

Coming soon: The Centra Column- Starring IL Signe, Strictly Jonathan, Mann Marie and Defiantly Duffer. IN JustDonal's Box soon!!!!

Viva la World Cup

-Swanny-

I bet you don't know what the just-donal dashboard is,do you? ha,hate that.You would if you were one of us.But you're not.

2006-06-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

An open letter to Declan O'Connor

Dear Declan,

I write to you in the spirit of friendship and the hope of rectifying an issue which stands to cause the implosion of not only your summer, but also the summer months of many others. Not since the early days of the Kyoto agreement has one been required to write a letter in the hope of rescuing an entire season form the jaws of doom.

In the past few days there have been murmurings of your impending decision to cease all drinking of alcohol. If this is in fact your goal i must register my strong distaste for your new found tea-totalling trend.

I have consulted closely with my resident jock Barry Gallagher on this issue and we have both agreed it must not be allowed to continue in the fear that your decision may permeate the minds of others, namely Flynner and Johnner, and in doing so rob us of yet more brave partying souls.

And what are your reasons for playing around with the sober wagon in the street of sensibility? You say money. I say bollocks. You have a well paying job full of wafers and lock boxes. You have infinitely more funds than Dan 'i'm a big closet joy-boy' Flynn and so should be at least able to match him in the boozing stakes. It is because of these facts that i refuse to accept monetary difficulties as a reason for exiting the party circuit.

On the other hand, if you have infact enough money then there must be some other reason for you turning the universe upside down, inside out and around and around and around and around and...you get the idea. So what is it? I have a few theories, let me elaborate.

Possibility 1) You have realised in your older years what we all realised when you were in or around the age of 16...Deco drunk is a complete nutter with little or no boundaries. This leads to incidents such as the infamous 'JabbaGate', 'runningaroundveniceinboxers-gate' and 'SickalloverAoifeslaptop-gate'. These are merely the icing on the cake for the rest of us Dec, no need to cut them out. In fact i quietly hope for many more in the future.

Possibility 2) Deco has done the near impossible and blown a 'funny-fuse'. This is the theory that as a result of running the funny meter at about 11 (the meter is only designed to go to 10) that you have finally burnt out your 'funny-fuse' and the section of your brain designated to the aul session life has become worn out and possibly a little rusty a la the brakes on an F1 car that have not been changed for approx five long years. We're talking serious breakdown and costly repair work here. But by no means an immpossibility.

Possibility 3) You're just gone gay on us.

Possibility 4) You have infact been part of the most elaborate undercover sociological study ever undertaken. It remains plausible that in what would be a study more impressive than Jane Goodall with them primates you have infact been living amongst 'us' and all the while studying our every behavioral act. Perhaps this was once true and a la Johnny Depp in Donnie Bracso you became too deeply involved with your subject and have to be dragged out by the higher powers.

Possibility 5) You figure Cheeze is going to need a liver transplant at some stage so at least one of us should keep one clean.

I hope you now realise the extent to which your new found lifestyle of tea drinking, tree hugging, leaf smoking etc. worries me and to what lengths i will go to change you back.

It's not that i don't find you fun when you're sopber,oh quite the opposite in fact, it's just that you're a bit like Ronaldinho. Not in football terms obviously.
You see when you're sober it's like watching ronaldinho ahve an alright game. Now while this is fantastically entertaining by most people's standards we all know there is so much more potential. Deco drunk is like Ronaldinho scoring a bicycle from his own cross that he delivered with a backheel after beating 14 players. It's fan-fookin-tastic.

I urge all of you out there who wish to see deco drunk again to contact him with messages of support. Come on Dec, you can do it.

Finally Dec, i'm afraid you're just not famous enough (yet) to amke being sober cool. Give it 5 years.

Kind regards,

-Swanny-

I wonder if a tree fell in the woods and crushed a mime but there was no-one around to hear...would anyone care?

2006-06-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

I was in the pub last night and Deco says to me “Are you having problems with the O2 website?” Might seem like an odd question but in fact I was, and still am, so me and Dec had a bit of a chin-wag about what a sham it is etc etc.

This got me thinking. This thought process worked in a few phases, at first I thought “Well I can’t really complain what with it being a totally free service that offers me totally free texts on a totally free monthly basis.”

It seems me and Dec were just being spoilt little children of the giant huggable O2 family.
Well no actually we aren’t. I had another little think this morning and I now realise I don’t like O2, I don’t like phone companies at all really.

Have you ever had a friend who acts really friendly but when you think about it they don’t really do a whole lot for you without you doing something for them first?
Like a friend who only gives you a lift somewhere when you pay for petrol EVERY SINGLE TIME or a ‘buddy’ who goes all gay when you ask them to get a bag of nuts at the bar when it’s their round? Or even a ‘pal’ who won’t let you play with the ol’ football because they want to sit on it?

Now I do realise that these are very vague and in some cases extreme references but just shut up and go with it.

Here’s my point.

Phone companies are like this type of friend, they constantly tell you about all of these special offers you could be receiving and so try and act like they like you, they need you and they downright just value you. I mean YOU, not your money but you.
Because hey, O2 like you, they probably read all your messages and go
“Ah what a sweetheart, give her some free txts.”
Or
“Wow this guy is really funny, I like the way he jokes about the male genitalia so frequently. Let’s knock 100 quid off that new Sony Ericsson he’s been hankering after. And let’s slash the price of his weekend calls too.”
Nice of them eh?

Well no, they slashed his call prices alright but ONLY to other O2 phones. Now that’s just being a bully! And maybe we shouldn’t mention this but I heard that that Sony Ericsson they were going to give him for 75 euro was offered to one of their cooler bill paying friends!
Now that’s two faced.

I suppose now you’re all sitting there going ‘Wow Swanny’s really onto something here, maybe my phone provider isn’t my best friend.’ Well I’m always onto something and as such I know what you’re going to say next ‘Ye but they have to make money, it is a business after all.’ This is true but for the record I thought about this before you did and have my rebuttal right here to smack you in the face with.

How come we get 250 free txts a month? And free txts at some points for no apparent reason except being a valued customer? (They’re all about getting inside our heads, which they have obviously done quite well with me.)

It’s pretty obvious that they don’t need to charge me 13c to txt my friendly neighbourhood John Mason or my abstinence challenged superstar Laura Keegan but rather that they are ripping me off. It’s like they have a txt bowl a la ‘take a penny, leave a penny.’ They don’t need them, or at least not at that price.

This is my point- they keep ripping me off and over charging me (and you) but seeing as they’ve employed drug pusher like tactics and got us all addicted/ reliant on their product there ain’t a whole lot I can do. There is no escaping them. Sure I could throw away my phone with it’s broken enter button, that stops me making txts or even reading long txts, and it’s cracked screen in a fit of Bolshevik style revolution but then I couldn’t talk to you all and would lose lots of my friends. I’d be a bit lonely and sad. Then just as I was at my most vulnerable and most in need of a friend who’d be there for me?
That’s right, my old friend O2 telling me he could make it all ok again…for a small price.

So I really do think Deco and myself have a right to piss and moan about the shocking state of the current O2 website, it’s the only nice thing they’ve ever done for us. But in reality that just proves how mean they’ve been the rest of the time.

That’s it. And all of this in a week when Vodafone lost 15 billion sterling. Funny, eh? I don’t much like O2. I’ll still buy their blood credit though.

-I still HATE Paul Farrell-

Swanny

I figure they just put nuts in chocolate for shock value...

2006-05-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

You know the feeling when you go out and have a great night and people keep telling you how funny all the little incidents of the night would sound in a column and then you go 'Yeah' but it turns out you're a lazy whore and never quite get around to doing it? Yeah i hate that feeling.

Anyway the point is Cathy's 21st was fan-bloody-tastic. the night ahd everything from the funniest footwear related incident in the history of known existence to a surprisingly low key David Yates avoiding the paparazzi at every turn. I have an entire column worth of jokes regarding Yates and the papparazzo. But ill do that when its a more suitable time.

So i guess if we were to be honest know we would all see that this is little more than a thinly veiled, hastily constructed, shoddily arranged group of little fillers of info. Not very creative on my part at all, but then i guess i'm just getting myself back up to speed. They tell me audience participation is the key,they might be onto something. Oh they might just be.

Here's a thought or two...

I'm watching 'Ride with the Devil' (1999, starring Tobey 'im a pussy' Maguire) and for the life of me i just can't get it. Now this is by no means a tricky film. it is not complicated. It is not smart. It is NOT deep. It's just really, really boring- pointless almost!!!

I'm sitting here thinking...

"Ok so it's the civil war in America,got it. Ok now so you're a bunch of sneaky confederate bandits...yeah got that too. So let me get this straight,you just keep shooting people and eating. Still eating. Standing up, on the horses now...stop at a house...eating again. Oh thank god,an AD break. Shite, it's back on again. Still eating. Tobey's being bullied, now he's standing up to the bully. Jonathan Rhys Myers is awful evil in this one,oh no he's pickin on Tobe' again. Why am i still up watching this? Tobey's Da is dead, he was a filthy Netherlander apparently but don't think we saw him that much in the movie so can't really claim to care. Oh no the woman doesn't like the black man,she's using the 'N' word- why is the black guy with the confederacy? His 'mates' are getting antsy with yer' one for being mean to their buddy. Oh right so now they've gone back to trying to enslave the brothers. Can't say i approve of that, they should have kept eating. But what about the other guy, will he have to be a slave? No,never mind-they're eating again. For god's sake Tobey, hit the guy!! Oh no a guy just lost an arm. Right they're shooting more people. Man this is bad. Wonder what else is on? *have a good ol' flick through the masses of stations afforded to me by the wonder that is the wee dish hanging from my chimmney* nothing on. Oh i must have missed a bit,Holt is crying. Tobey is being supportive. Ah fuck this."

Yep,thats how my thoughts went. Riveting stuff. But wait, there's MORE...we have a moral.

What's the one thing you can learn from late night TV?

You should have gone to bed earlier.

-I Hate Paul Farrell-

Swanny

Something is better than nothing...usually

2006-05-24T02:48:00.000-07:00

Ok here we go...a real post...of sorts.

Although at this stage there's a very real possibility nobody reads this anymore.and god i wouldn't blame them,i've been very lazy.But i'm finished college now so have enough free time that i can donate some of my precious talent to this blog.I do love the aul blog.

This post is a slightly historical lesson,one that relates to the much lauded past of a very special event concerning myself and our own Viva La Pablo.

This ladies and gentlemen is the in depth history of

Il Coppa De Boccelli!!!

The coppa boccelli began in March of 2006 as a small contest between Paul Farrell(that's Paul) and Eoin Brennan(that's me).

It was a very simple plan but as with all things perfect in this big bad world simplicity was the key. The ethos was simple, two competitors battling it out on the great plane of Pro-Evolution soccer 5; but at the core of this was a very real love for the great tradition of soccer (or rather Calcio-the term used in Italy to describe the beautiful game) and thus setting a very stringent set of rules.

The game will always be the Milan derby(greatest game on the planet with the exception of Shels v Cork or Shels V Bohs) and can only be played ONCE a month. The venue will always be 10 Mariners Cove(due to its phenomenal acoustics and Giusseppe Meazza like atmosphere) and the holder of the trophy(yep,there's a trophy-but we can ge to that later.) must always play with Milan while the challenger will take control of their bitter rivals Inter (Its Milan and Inter-there is no such team as Inter MILAN, and were you to make the mistake of calling them that in Milan its quite likely you would be corrected in a less than polite fashion).

The first game was played on a balmy saturday evening in Pablos's front room-it was here that the most important element of this prestigious event was decided upon. With every game there must be an awe inspiring soundtrack which reaches the very soul of Calcio (Con te Partiro, Nessun Dorma, the speech from 'Any given sunday' etc.)

The details of this first match are hazy at best but all parties agree it was won by the great Milan side of Eoin Brennan (again,thats me) in a triumphant thumping of Pablo's less than professional Inter side.

From the start it looked unlikely that Pablo could ever break my fierce stranglehold on the title however as is the beauty of Calcio all was destined to change in a very dramatic way.

The second contest was played in the Attic and many atribute this change of venue(and lack of suitable soundtrack-cos Paul broke his speakers-)as the main reasons behind the shock result.
The result that was to come was as unexpected as Leeds putting some cash away for a rainy day, as shocking as Cian O'Laoi getting steady employment, as upsetting as watching Pablo score Donal (Kerrigan) in Glendalough and as downright crazy as JustDoanl popping up on morning TV in the US.

Lets just say more people saw it coming when Cian got corn-rows.

IN a brief summary, Inter 7-2 Milan. I could go into any number of explanations for this injustice but i wont.Lets just say Pablo cheated,with a gun.

An interesting side note for this match is that it was the first game to have the much coveted trophy on offer. This does not of course make all previous contests null and void,it is merely a footnote in the great annals of this competitions history. So there. Don't listen to what Pablo says.He's full of shit.

Anyway on the subject of the trophy there have been many theories about it's origins ranging from it being forged from pure silver and Marble somwhere on the outskirts of Mordor to it being passed down through generations by Buddhist monks only for it to be mysteriously left on Paul's front step one day and also that it may have been grown from turf wrenched from the centre circle of the San Siro itself.

Sadly the truth is a little different,one day me and Paul were in getting our 'Theses' bound in Raheny and for some odd reason the paper shop also stocked trophies. We found Il Copa De Boccelli somewhere towards the back and immediatley fell in love.(With the trophy,not each other as many people have begun saying.)

There was a wee 'silver' plate for engraving but Paul of course managed to lose that and so the great public must wait for the trophy to be complete. Paul's an idiot.

In the most recent chapter of this story I led an Inter side to a triumphant 4-3 victory over Paul's Milan. He led 3-2 for most of the game and even missed two penalties but a last minute winner sealed it for me.

Paul cried and slumped down on the floor like a shack o' shpuds. No foolin,it was hilarious.

Now i'm sure i have bored most of you off by now but if any of you have read this far i can just say that there are indeed many further humorous anecdotes on this subject and so feel free to ask me any time, but for now i have to go get my Milan side ready for June. Can I be the first to retain the Coppa Boccelli? Sure looks like it.

And YES we are aware that this may be the most incredibly bent thing anyone has ever done,we don't care.

The Coppa Boccelli can be viewed at my house,by appointment only. Paul need not apply.

-Later Fuckbags-

Not exactly a dynamic return

2006-05-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so i know this is probably the longest i've ever gone without writing a column but i've been very busy with college and the likes.

Anyway don't get too excited cos things aren't suddenly about to pick up around here. Oh no, that's not our style at all!

Basically what i've done is written a strongly worded letter of complaint about the huge amounts of chain mails on bebo and placed it in my profile section on my bebo page.
Then in an act of complete laziness i just threw it in here as a filler. I'm pretty sure i can get a decent column up over the weekend but you're all just going to have to be patient.

Now before i get to that one last thing...Basically Brian, stop whinging about the metro. Stop whinging about any form of system to which you are not enamoured. Stop it.

Now to our feature presentation...

--->www.ilsigne.blogspt.com<---

Right i'm sick of these stupid chain mail pieces of shit that get sent to me every day. What's with the horrible threats that always come at the end? Why the fuck would you send me an e-mail that will leave me with some horrible curse causing me to live a miserable existence?! leave me out of it.

Some fuckin friends you lot are.

Oh wait...hang on...you're all going to tell me they won't really do that?

WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DO SOME OF YOU SEND THEM SO FUCKIN RELIGIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'd swear some of you really believe that stuff.

You know i once had a chain mail(a real letter,on paper!) sent to me when i was only six and i didnt send it on cos even then i knew it was a load of crap. I couldn't stop myself eatin worms but i wasn't fooled by that shite. Anyway i took my chances and in an unfortunate turn of events my goldfish died. No lie. I still don't believe them.
Sort it out.

Apart from that i got nothin. I was bored of the old profile and i'm sure you were 2.

-It's been fun,but i still have a strong distaste for you all-

Contest update

2006-04-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Alright cock-knockers

So here's how she blows at the moment...

We've had three posts at my last check on Nick's bebo page that are fairly abusive(and one that seems a bit confused about the whole thing) but we need more.

So far it's a bit of a dead heat between Conor Murphy and Steve Lynott with Basically Brian trailing in third place (of three) because he tried to be too smart and i worry he may have actually gone above Nick's head with the abuse.

Nick might not fully understand the exact intention of your vitriol.

Keep it simple people.

Ive had one of my uncharacteristic changes of heart and i will now be rewarding a first place prize of TWO PINTS IN THE STREAM but will also have prizes for particularly original or funny entries. In the event of a tie judges decision is final but really the post that makes "NICKERS" cry the most will walk away with the grand prize and eternal acclaim on this here column.

If anyone feels this to be a particularly harsh competition i am running here I can arrange for them to speak with Nick for 90 seconds.

I am almost 100% certain that after this exchaange with Nicholas Alexandria Brennan they will see I am being more than fair.
Alright fuckitos,get movin on this one. I dont think he even knows yet because he hasnt come up to me and started moaning in about three days. He's been suspiciously quiet. In fact just to be safe i'm gonna go punch him...just in case.

Hang on...back in a sec...

OK he's moaning now. He fought back for a second but the second blow really sent him flying. Bless him.

Oh yeah,first person to slag him without going for the obvious gay angle gets a prize aswell.

-later cheesespreaders-

A public appeal

2006-04-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Short and sweet today.

I want everyone here to go onto my brother Nick's BEBO page and hurl the abuse at him.

For some reason you cant reach his page just by typing in the url but if you go to my friends list he's nickB346 (r somthing like that) and his photo is of a football stand in red smoke.

You cant miss it.

I mean it ppl,go abuse him with pure hate and i will run a competition of sorts.

The person who posts the most abusive message to Nick (or Nicholas if we're getting technical) wins their choice of
1)a pint in the stream
2)a column dedicated to them
3)a party in their honour.

all those who take part will be thanked on this here column so get out there and do it ppl!!!

I have got the ball rolling already. try beat me motherfuckers!!!

Go talk to your donkey cos no-one else gives two swings of a monkeys balls.

Ignorance spreads like butter

2006-03-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

Ok i know...i know...two columns in the oen day??!!! well it's either a feast or a famine around here and for a couple of reasons i felt i should drop another bomb of a post on here tonight.

Anyway i) i wont be ab.le to post for a few days so thought id throw an extra one in.

ii)i ahd to fight back against some other things i have seen here tonight.

iii)i just dont know whewn to bite my tongue!!!

iv) i had a fourth readon which was really good but i forgot it.

So here's 50 things i HATE (i'm a big dirty plagiarist but this HAD to be done)

1.Hypocrites.

2.“Socialists”

3.“Socialists” who hate socialists and wear lovely fancy clothes and watches that cost more than the average weekly wage.

4.People who think that because they read one or two books they know everything.

5.When those book reading people believe they hold some sort of superiority over anyone who doesn’t see their point.

6.And when they get high and mighty about issues that involve other people who are looking down on people in the same way that they(the book readers) do.

7.People who are lazy fuckers.

8.Shorts during the winter. Its like wearing sunglasses inside.

9.Columnists who abuse their column by not posting enough.

10.Former rovers fans who conveniently forgot that fact and now support one of their greatest rivals.

11.People who refuse to sing their own national anthem. And think it makes them a better person than the rest of us who have an ounce of passion in our veins.

12.Because apparently all passion distorts our right angle, starched collar, even-handed view of this text book world.

13.Fickle people.

14.People who will hope England win the world cup.

15.People who claim to have a fierce dis-taste for nationalism of any kind and imply that this moral high ground attitude signifies their greater intelligence.

16.When these people (see point 15) then feel its no big deal to hate people from Cork because they follow Cork city.

17.Man Utd fans. Glory hunting queers.

18.Paolo……………………………………………….Di Canio.

19.The moral high ground and all who aspire to occupy it.

20.People who wear souvenir scarves inside all day long until I have to take it from them and hit them with it.

21.People who hate people over simple things like saying the word ‘movie’. Oh what a sin that is, how dare I open my mouth in your great presence. Go suck a lemon.

22.People who see themselves as open minded but are really just narrow minded cunts who live inside a copy of The Guardian newspaper.

23.People who have tried to score my girlfriend.

24.People who complain at me that I’m going to have sex and they aren’t when we’re leaving a pub/club at the end of the night.

25.People who say the word ‘Hero’ that are not called Ian, Eoin or J.

26.Prospective DIT students.

27.People who wear wigs right in front of my face but deny it down to the ground.

28.People who HATE people who smoke. Let them have their fun and fuck off moaning just cos you don’t like it.

29.Paul……………………………………….Galtieri.

30.Childhood friends of Brian Harrison who like to streak.

31.People who wear nothing but a sweatband.

32.People who can’t take the decency to pull their pants up past their arse cheeks.

33.Evening Herald sports writers/ puppets of Shane Hegarty’s evil media empire.

34.People who don’t like Paul…………….without getting to know him first.

35.People who fear the notion of believing in something so much that it may put them in the ‘Hardcore’ category.

36.When people hate all things hardcore but then join an ‘ULTRAS’ group.

37.People who want to listen to a type of music. Just fuckin do it.

38.People who think its too dangerous to travel to Jamaica. It’s not, Cian did it.

39.Idiots who listen to the Arctic Monkeys just cos they cant find any spaghetti for dinner.

40.PRICKS who look down on drunk people ona night out and go “you are sooo drunk. Fuck’s sake.” In a really condescending way.

41.Pricks who look down on other drunks but who actually are far worse than anyone else when they go drinking i.e taking all their clothes off, waving their knob around, asking girls for a wank in public. Hypocrites basically.

42.Calling our country “this country”.

43.People who hate other people for not watching a movie.

44.People whoa re overly sensitive about politically correct stuff.

45.People who hate generalisations but still chant abuse at football games.

46.People who say “commercial” rap/rnb like they’re the original rap fan from queens.

47.Pacifists who hate apathy.

48.Pacifists who make lists about stuff they hate.

49.Paul Farrell…………………………….the one from Lusk.

50.People who cant take a joke and getting overly sensitive about a column. If you don’t like the message it brings just write one back. Don’t act like a woman and get all gay. I’m sure you wont. Now, do you need a hand down off that there high horse?

Fuck all you ho's!!

2006-03-29T04:57:00.000-08:00

Well it seems my good friend Basically Brian has had a quite novel idea for a column and as is the universal balance thingy i have had a blank.

So what do i do...do i pull myself together and say "For the love of god man, get some work in-hard work is the only way through this!" or do i not talk to myself like soome motivational lunatic and just rob brian's idea?

Well my final response is somewhere in between the two. I'm robbing Basically's idea but im still havin the odd solo chin-wag.

Before i get started, some old woman just walked past my front window with purple hair. can anyone explain to me why old women do that?
If you must walk stay the fuck away from my house!! The ignorance.

Ok so here's how im goin2 do this thing.

B.b told us of his 30 goals to reach by 30. Well i have my 20 goals reached by 20.
Im a plagarist and i wear big plagarist pants.

1. I captained a space shuttle.

2. I wore star spangled pants.

3. I was official team physio for the 1982 Brazilian world cup squad.

4. I led three seperate, succesful marxist rebellions around the world.

5. I boiled an egg.

6. I became so proficient with a yo-yo in the 1970s that i could actually do tricks at the speed of light.

7. I went to China on horseback, wearing rustic sandals.

8. I beat up Basically Brian for his lunch money and column ideas.

9. I avoided Pablo for 5 successive years.

10. I played in a milan derby, scoring the winner in a 3-2 thriller.

11. I ate three crackers in one minute and 2 seconds.

12. I fathered four children. All Asian.

13. I smacked Nick around for all that sass-mouth he be givin.

14. I developed string from it's humble beginnings to its present day glory.

15. I beat Maccer in a race from London to San Francisco.

16. I farted in a crowded car with broken windows.

17. I built a wall so high even I couldnt jump over it.

18. I ate a big mac (Brian you are a gay for having never eaten one)

19. I spelt supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.

20. I bluffed my way thru an entire column.

Plagiarism is bread and butter to us columnists.

-Nick is a gay-

Ultras Spirit- Con Te Partiro!

2006-03-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so I’ve been planning on doing a somewhat serious column here ever since I first started and I think I may have finally done it.

Ladies and Cunts I present to you with pride, my first serious column/rant of sorts. It gets into rant territory towards the end. This is a fairly long one and seeing as it is based entireely on football alot of people won't find any interest in it at all. However if even one person gets the message then its a roaring success. A runaway success almost.

So first off, the premise…

I’m sick of being called a football hooligan by everyone from my girlfriend to my ill-educated mates. So here’s a crash course in the different forms of football supporter out there…

Casual- This is the archetypal football hooligan. Burberry, Lacoste or Stone island wearing hooligan who goes to a match with the intent/ desire of having a fight with the opposing fans after the match. As a general rule they only fight other casuals in prearranged brawls but as I have learnt from first hand experience this is not always true.

This culture began in England in the late 1970’s/ early 1980’s. It was decided that the best way to avoid the police was to look as little like a football fan as possible and so high end expensive labels became the staple of the day. This developed into a contest of sorts. Who could look the best while they all kicked the living shite out of each other sort of thing.

Despite the media illusion that it has disappeared in recent years it is still very much a part of football. Now they just take the battles away from the ground and the gaze of TV.
These groups are usually known as firms. There are currently only a handful of firms in Ireland. The most notable being Shamrock Rovers and Bohs. Bohs have around 50 members, Rovers close to twice that number.

Whisper it, but word around is that St. Pats have organised a firm over the winter break and they plan to announce themselves in a very spectacular way this Friday at Richmond Park.
Who are they hosting on Friday night? Shelbourne.

You see the problem is that Shelbourne don’t (yet) have a casuals firm and as such the next most obvious target is the loosely organised Ultras group Briogaid Dearg. The assumption is that we will be targeted. What’s the difference between Casuals and Ultras I hear you ask? Keep reading you impatient fucks.

Ultra- An organised group of supporters who arrange displays before games. The use of flags, flares, drums, banners, smokebombs etc. is the general weapon of choice for these displays. There are ultras groups for almost every club in Europe except in England and most of Ireland. The main difference between Ultras and Casuals is the wearing of colours.

Whereas casuals attempt to blend into the crowd to avoid police attention Ultras have the intention of creating as much noise and spectacle as possible in support of their team. However, many Ultras groups on the continent are violent. There is a very strict code of conduct for Ultras groups regarding honour and protocol e.g. never get the police involved in disputes between groups, if a flag of one group is stolen it will be hung upside down by the other group at the next game between the sides- then burnt on the terraces.

When these rules were broken by Fossa Dei Leoni (a bunch of solid gold heroes) of A.C Milan earlier this year the group were forced to disband. The group had several thousand members before it was forced to disband.

In countries such as Italy the ultras groups of some teams have phenomenal power. The Lazio Ultras attacked the team’s training ground after a derby defeat to Roma and held a private meeting with the players demanding more effort on the field.

The Roma ultras once marched onto the pitch during a Rome derby and demanded the match be halted immediately because a rumour had circulated around the ground that police had killed a young fan outside the stadium. Roma captain Francesco Totti told the referee they were to be obeyed and the club presidents duly obliged.

The Shelbourne ultras are allowed walk across the pitch to move their flags before and after a game. The team manager also knows the leaders fairly well (they once went to KFC for him) and the players say hi before games. Last week Joey N’Do waved at me. We’re getting there.
I am, technically, an Ultra.

Regular sit down Fan- This is your regular fan who goes and sits (cardinal sin) in the stands. Clapping his/ her team on. Nothing wrong with this style of fan.
Usually a family type of thing or the older people in the crowd. Can usually be spotted wearing a jersey to games or even a woolly hat with a club crest or something equally cheesy on it. They buy the programme for every game and generally go ‘for the football’.
Misguided fools but harmless.

Armchair fan- The fan who watches all his football on the TV and takes the word of Andy Gray and Sky Sports as gospel.

They do nothing but fund the FA Premiership and hurt Irish football.

Now I’m not talking about those who do even rarely make it to Irish games. At least in a small way they help Irish football. But the people who support an English side do nothing but fund those foreign teams. This conversely hurts our own home based teams through lost revenue.

People who support Glasgow Celtic are just as useless to Ireland in my opinion. Glasgow is a British city. Yes, the tri-colour is flown there and yes the club sees itself as a largely Irish institution but how does that make it Irish?

The very notion that wearing a Celtic jersey is some sort of patriotic gesture is a very twisted contradiction which has embedded itself in the minds of far too any Irish people.
We are Irish, they are not.
People need to be able to make that distinction. Fools (like my younger brother) buy into this façade.
If you support a foreign club you support a foreign country. By all means you can have a love for a foreign team such as Liverpool, Celtic or Man Utd but if that is where your loyalties end then you are hurting Irish football.

Support Ireland? Then support an Irish team.

If Irish clubs were to get the same amount of people in stadiums every weekend that tune in to Sky Sports then they could well be much larger institutions with a far higher standard of play. We could have the domestic league we deserve. The very fact that beating a Croatian club is seen as a huge success for Irish teams should be a clear indication of how disproportionate the standard of our elague is in relation to our population, economy and soccer fan base. we would see european football rolling into town for more than just a couple of games a year.
Juve at dalymount maybe? Not likely with people just watching chelsea beat Blackburn every week.
It gives a sense of pride that is completely unattainable from the comfort of your front room on a Sunday afternoon.
Go on, give it a try.

What have you got to lose? Nothing more valuable than that which you have already given away.

I seriously doubt this is the last you will hear from me on this subject.

So in summation, I am not a football hooligan. I have an association (there’s no such thing as an official membership, don’t want a paper trail) with an ultras group. Just because I show the slightest drop of passion at a football match it does not make me a football hooligan.
So to the people who insist on calling ma ‘a f***ing hooligan’ whenever I go to a match please stop. The excuse of ignorance will no longer hold up. You have been both educated and warned.

-Later-

I'm sure some of you won't like this post's ending message but you know what?
Go tell it to Sky sports. 'Cos i'm sure they care what you think.

I think if i see that new Rihanna video one more time i'll cream myself

2006-03-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ok people let’s do this thing…

Things I’ve never done but wouldn’t mind giving a shot….

1.Scoring a goal for Ireland. Preferably against England. Obviously.

2.Speaking through a megaphone for an entire day.

3.Winning a freestyle rap battle in Queensbridge, Queens, NYC.

4.Eating a twenty-foot baguette, which has been filled with the most exotic and flavoursome fillings known to man.

5.Screaming “Blanco azzuro bastardo” in the correct circumstances.

6.Have everyone wear their clothes backwards for a day. And then play Kriss Kross on repeat on every radio, I-pod, PA system etc. in the world for that day. They will jump.

7.Rihanna.

8.Having a “fivesome”. Just to see what would happen. I’ve already done four. It was ok. Three is for fags who think they’re the Dog’s under carriage. They’re not.

9.The twenty-four cans in a crate/ twenty-four hours in a day challenge with Flynner. We’ve been talking about it for a few years now. We must achieve this goal.

10.Writing a list of ten ambitions without running out of ideas at number 9.

Ok glad I have that off my chest now. Nice little filler for you there.

I

hate you all for you are all cunts, therefore you are all hateable.

-I will bid you adieu-

Columnists love feedback

Guess who's back?!!! cunt cunt cunt cunt.

2006-03-22T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hello again to you all. Miss me? Fuckin better have.

Its been far too long and in a quirky little way i've miss this old place. These halls seem smaller somehow, the echoes fainter...eh but anyway back to the matter at hand, my joyous return.

I feel its the sign of all the true greats that they return from an abscence to once again triumph over all around them...Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Jesus, Noel Edmonds.

I now aim to join them in the great pantheon of dazzling returns. Here goes...

Right so the biggest problem i've had witht his column lately (apart from actually getting back on the site) is thinking of a clever and witty way to return. I couldn't so i decided i'd just give a bit of a rundown of the latest happenings.

Those of you who read regualarly b4 i was taken off air last time will remember my run in with the policia some months ago.
The time when 13 of the super sleuths tracked me down for sweet fuck all. Yes? Good because on Monday night i was treated to yet more perfectly ignorant, and distinctly retarded policing. Let me explain...

On monday night Myself, Viva La Pablo, Nick (my brother), Sanky (Nick's buddy-yep thats his real name, or so i'm told) and Cian went to Tolka Park for the Shelbourne versus Linfield match.

What with linfield being a staunchly unionist club from Belfast and this being Dublin there was more than a small garda presence. Horseys and helicopters and everything!

We got searched three times between the car and the ground. Paul had a pocket full of chalk he stole from The Stream and a key covered in white dust. That was fuckin hilarious.

Right so we get into the ground and its all 'Fuck the queen' this and 'Take that union jack down' that but in the middle of the celtic jersey wearin scum who had come along just to abuse the 'dirty proddy bastards' a few witty lads began a few chants about the Gards.
The ten or so who were standing at the front of our section just stared back menacingly and one lad got thrown out over a debate with them on why we couldnt fly the tricolour but there were twenty or so union jacks wavin back at us. I figure he had a point. But the gards fucked him out anyway. They can be so reasonable.

Right so the match was a bit borin but the atmosphere was great. My favourite chant being when the lyrics to rule britannia were replaced with the word 'WANK' all the way through. clever stuff.
We even had some visitors from the Roma ultras who were impressed by the 'Amotion' of the occasion. They were wearin very Italian hats.

As this fine spectacle ended i realised that we had parked the car in the general vicinity of where the Linfield fans would be coming out. This was a problem. So i asked a passing Garda if he had any info. The follolwing conversation went like this...

"Sorry do you know when they'll be let out?"

"I've no idea(in a very smart tone)" He then turned his back on me.

"Oh well thanks for all the help. No no you've been fantastic. Fuckin typical." (In my most sarcastic tone)

"What's your problem you little arsehole?" (now facing me again)

"My problem is that i have to get me and my brother back to my car parked up on Griffith avenue before they all head up there but i've got to help take down these masses of flags so i was wondering if i had the time. So do you know or what?!"

"You shouldn't have parked there."

"Ur a fuckin idiot. I was diverted there because of ur poxy radblock."

At this stage the head honcho ( the commisioner gordon of the operation) came over and started to "suggest" i leave immediatley. He wasn't very friendly either so i started shouting about police incompetence and ignorance etc etc. Then i grabbed two tifo flags(they're huge big twenty footers on poles) and marched to the lock up. when i came out of the lock up the commisioner was waiting for us (the lads had all followed me over) and he ushered us out of the gates. cock.

We then had to walk for ages to go the long way around and as we got onto griffith avenue two unmarked cars pulled up beside us n told us to "Keep your fuckin mouths shut n just walk. If they say anythin just walk. I don't even want to see ye lookin at em."

This was because twenty Linfield buses were parked along griffith avenue and we had to walk past them. Maybe i'm being paranoid here but i swear that the gada helicopter was following us. It was overhead for so long and seemed to hover just above us for ages.

Pablo says we looked like your classic hooligan firm but i doubt anyone could look at Cian and Pablo and think they pose any threat to anyone. Anyway fuck the police. again.

Apart from that i've been made the Editor in Chief (or emperor in chief as i like to be called) of the college paper and its very slowly turning me insane. I hate it and if you are one of the many people adding to my stress levels then i hate YOU.
But lets hope it turns out ok, there are some good ppl left!!

At the moment im quite sick and what with passing out earlier on and all its been great fun. You know when you get a fever and you're half asleep and half awake and the walls are talking to you and then you see some old geezer creeping across your roof and you think to yourself 'fuck'? Ye i hate that.

I hear that many great leaders(Caesar Augustus being one) had bouts of fainting/ passing out. I know just how they felt.
It's lonely at the top. Even Tony Soprano liked to bite the dust every once in awhile.

In the time i've been writing this my brother has grabbed the dog by his hind legs and (attempted to) push him around like a vaccuum cleaner.Im not joking. I swear this place is a portal for some other fucked up dimension.

In other news...i got a copy of Gladiator on dvd-that any good to you?

I will be posting here as much as possible over the coming weeks so you people better check in regularly!!! I know theres no link to it on the justdonal page so ur gonna have to type in my address.You lazy fuckers.

And as for the name...well theres a prize for the first super brain to figure it out. bebo ur answers to me.

I know what you're all thinking-that was a fairly lame first column. well yes it was but fuck off and deal with it.The important thing is i'm back!!!

Oh and finally. I'm trying to make cunt a socially acceptable word. you can join or die. well maybe not die...be offended at least.

Now cunt off you cunts.

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2006-03-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

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