Sports, sports, sports, sports!!

My apologies for the lack of posting in the last couple of weeks, I know it must seem a little foolish considering the fanfare that greeted my comeback column last time.

However, I have got my reasons. I've been busy lounging down in South Africa and catching up with old buddies in Dublin over the past three weeks or so. South africa's a lovely place and you really should visit, just watch where you go. It's a bit dodgy, let's leave it at that.

This column is in fact inspired in a way by my time(11 days to be exact...I think) down in the lower hemisphere. You see they're mad for the cricket down there and with the cricket world cup being in full flow at the minute it's big news down round the bottom of Africa.
Of course I've never been the type to turn my nose up a trying my hand at something a bit new so when I was asked to play a game or two I jumped at the chance.
I had a pretty good idea of how to play from my last visit down there about 7 years ago so I didnt have the usual phobia most have. In fairness it's a bitch of a game to understand at first but once you get to grips with it(which can be done in about 5-10 mins) it's great stuff. Well it is to play anyway,watching a full day's game can take serious dedication.

Of course, when i came back to the emerald isle you'd all gone cricket crazy.
Bunch of bandwagoners. typical Irish event junkies. goons.
Eh...anyway,I put the idea to a couple of the lads that a game of cricket would be great craic. Just go to a field for a day and booze WHILE playing. Obviously the last couple of guys up to bat would have slightly diminished reaction times but it's all part of the fun. My idea was shot down,quickly(well a couple were interested but you need a fair few to have a decent game,and i wasnt that bothered by not playing.)

So,I got to thinking about how one or two sports are in a dire need of some rule altering to make them more attractive to your average goon. First for the revamp...Cricket obviously.

How about instead of the slow paced, measured approach batters take they are forced to run once every two shots. This means much less picking and choosing which to run for and so means less of us watching nothing happen.
Also, I personally would like to see both teams allowed field at once.
Tackling is of course allowed and encouraged. So the team at bat must block the fielding team from catching the ball while also defending the wickets with american football style blocking. Put those rules in palce and we've got a serious winner here folks.

Next,GOLF!! This is a little trickier but how about we get teams of golfers, and I dont mean in a match play sense, (Oh, by the way, we'll probably need to scrap traditional golf courses too.) get a fairly huge playing field and set up goals much like in Aussie rules.
There is one ball and one team will start from their end of the pitch. Well one guy will, the rest position themselves in a way much like in football. Defenders, attackers etc.
Here's how it works,one player tees off and basically wellies it up the pitch. The other players must then race to where the ball lands and whoever touches the ball first gains posession. All other players must then allow a free shot and so on, scores are achieved by hitting the ball over/between the posts or some other form of goal. You'll need big strong hitters at the back, fit ball winning midfielders and accurate finishers up front. It might be an idea to use heavier golf balls or something to reduce the distance the ball can go.
It's not much use having a pitch 1km long, is it?

Now we come to, American football...take the fucking pads off and quit stopping play every 6 seconds. It's worse than cricket.

Anymore ideas? Well...keept them to yourself!

Laters-

Oh and by the way, when playing cricket I bowled four wickets and scored 62 not out. Was quite pleased with that,even if it wasnt a game of the highest standard.

Back soon

I'm back!! But not for long...

Well well well...some said it would never happen and that those who thought it would were a bunch of dreamers. Many said I was finished here, that the site had died(which it almost would have were it not for the last minute intervention of a very generous benefactor who wished to see the justdonal tradition continue) and that with the blocking of my column all my past works were lost. Basically i was history, badly badly recorded history.

But it seems I finally got myself back on justdonal.

I think it's best if we re-count the dramatic last few months in the justdonal world.


Due to me leaving Ireland a few months back I didn't really have time to piece together finely crafted columns and what with me being a perfectionist and all I decided it was best to shy away from the whole scene until i was fully prepared to return.(Also the Reds almost died so i wasn't in a very good mood for a very long time.)
Of course the good people living IN the internet decided that if I wasn't going to post then I could just fuck right off. So they shut me down.

It wasn't until last week when I was talking to justDonal himself in a bar in town that he informed of a way to get my spot back. It was a crazy scheme to say the least and as Donal had feared we did lose several good good men in the ensuing operation but somehow it worked. Just about, but it worked damn it.

Although contact between justdonal contributors has been scarce since the bombing of the justdonal towers towards the end of the summer I can offer you sketchy details of the other members' current activities.


JustDonal has become a one man media machine, hiring and firing media whores with all the joy of a whore on everybody else's payday. Rumours abound that he has bedded 1,369 aspiring pop-stars in the last day. He currently lives in a 12 storey house which floats on a small raft just outside Howth harbour, the house was formerly the viewing area of the justdonal towers.
He has also obtained seventeen cats, four dogs, eleven budgies and one giant sloth. For what purposes no one yet knows.


StrictlyJonathan has disappeared to the east. Last seen at the entrance to a bank in Paris there are rumours he has set up a criminal extortion ring using the many telecommunications and, more importantly, criminal skills he learnt during his time working alongside 'Mr.Westie' Vincent Gray at 11850.
Many believe he has 'gone native' in a very Kurtz sort of way. Soem say he now lives off of the interest of his succesful bank raids in a small cottage on Ireland's eye and has employed a doppleganger to maintain his partying rep. I havent seen him in a long long time so can't really comment.

Maybe Roisin could give us a more accurate update?


BasicallyBrian has been in a dark and depressive state since his finger healed to the point where a scar was no longer obvious. He had been disconsolate when he realised the bombing had left his fingers unscathed.
Without anything to talk about he has shut himself off from the world, only making the odd appearance to get very drunk in a corner somewhere while grumbling like an old man.
It is now his trademark move to fall asleep with a half drunk pint of Smithwicks in his hand at any party he might attend. He is also owed a birthday present from myself and Pablo. If anyone finds where he has been hiding could they please relay details to either myself or Pau...actually no,just tell me.We don't want any 'accidents',now do we?

Viva...La...Pablo has had a rough few months. He has had to deal with the loss of myself from his everyday life, a battle which he freely admits almost sent him demented with boredom from talking to sane people all day long.
Following this there were some highlights amidst a dark cloud of lows. The Reds won the league by beating Bohs(a.k.a The Scum) 2-1 at home on the last day of the season in front of a shockingly packed Tolka park.
The celebrations were magnificent with Sean Dillon running back up the podium to cheer on a rendition of "Dillon me softly" and a succesful attempt to fit 12 of us into the fourth officials dugout with pints in hand.We gave ourselves a well deserved pat on the back a la The Commiments after that one. (God im getting shivers just remembering the game.Ah the glory days, eh?)
However both Paul and Shelbourne's good times did not last long. Within weeks they were both once again nearing the brink of extinction.
Paul descended into an ill-advised binge of hairy women and and a penchant for bright pants which ultimately left him both mentally and physically scarred. He then lost several succesive Boccelli cup games in the few brief moments during which he did see me as he watched his arch-nemesis(me,again) stroll to an unprecedented 10 TITLES. In between these there was also the 6-2 humilaition at my hands in the final of the Al Reynolds Invitational Cup, which was held in Liverpool earlier this year. Following the disintegration of his professional career he even fox-trotted with the poorly judged idea of quitting college. As Brian would say "Oh Paul,it's an awfully silly thing to do." (I wouldn't say that you see,but Brian did...a few times.)

Of course as they say, the darkest hour comes before the dawn and fuck me i've never seen a dawn like this before.
The Reds got relegated, many outside Shelbourne laughed at our peril...those of us on the inside fucking danced. We knew we'd be awful this year but never in our wildest dreams did we dare dream we'd be this awful. We are at this moment both the current league champions and Irish representatives in the Champions League while also being the LOWEST ranking side in Irish football. That my friends is unparalelled heroism.You couldn't write this shit. It's even too far fetched for Dream team.

With three games played we're bottom of the first division and quite possibly having the time of our lives. The idea of travelling down to Cobh for a game on a Saturday at 2.30 in the afternoon is the idea that saved Pablo. Can you imagine it? Leaving Tolka at 6 in the morning,drinking by 6.07, drunk before half 7/8. All for an away game in Cobh(which we might miss because i can see disembarking the bus after 7 hours drinking being a bit tricky),and best thing of all is i'll be home for that one. Oh it's almost too heroic to comprehend.

As the world's most heroic games against Wexford youths and Limerick 37 come nearer we hope to see VLP making a full recovery. And maybe even a return to justDonal?


If anyone is in contact with any of the other columnists could they please tell them their presence is sorely needed around here...

If anyone is drinking with Barry Gallagher in the future could they please attach some form of recording device to him so we can listen back to the incredible comments he comes up with when he's pissed?
There'll be plenty of quotes up here from that man over the next few weeks.


-More Soon Muchachos-Liverpool-Dublin-Cape Town-Rome

Test

Test

Tu es madres

Steak.

Right so here i am now,gonna go for a bit of a challenge here. I'm in Cian's house (you kno cian right? Laid back guy, says man and dude alot-can often be found in the company of large clouds of smoke and wheelie bins. You know the guy.) and as i write this on his laptop he's off somewhere on the fourteenth floor having a 'shower' (or so he says,hmmm) and i've decided to see if i can pop out a column in the time it takes him to get spakled up. Let's go...

So even though my world cup predictions have been painfully brilliant and i ahve cemented my reputaton as some form of pagan god i decided i'd be best of doing a World cup review column once the whole affair is done with on Sunday evening. In lieu of this big Dub (W) C column i'll just let you all know of my current involvement in one of the all time great exploitations of the working man.

As many of you know i now work in the convenience capital of Howth, Collins Centra. A beacon of middling prices and many many different forms of cheese it may be to you all but in recent times it has become my own personal prison.
I am currently in the afternoon limbo between days 6 and 7 of my 16 day straight stretch of working days. Yes, i ahe to ork 16 days before i get a day off, and even then it'll only be a monday. My kingdom for a sunday lie-in.
You see it was decided that i would be entrusted with running the deli while the Deli 'manager' was on 'holidays' and i had to work her weekday shifts of 7 am - 2pm everyday. Not my idea of fun but i figured i'd do it anyway if only to avoid rocking the SS Centra.


Now here's where we get to the twist in the tail, the chink in the armour, the screw in the tuna.
I was put on her 5 days but in what can only be described as a cynical attempt by the managment to gain more female customers i have been made work my own weekend shifts on top of this. For two weeks. So we're looking at a 55-60 hour week this week and more of the same in the upcoming sestet of solar revolutions. On top of all that i've really been screwed over in a much more painful way. The deli 'manager' usually has an assistant deli hand type of person who would come in to work from 9-1 each day to allow her get the menial tasks out of the way such as health and safety checks, cleaning, ordering food etc. Now, she has many years of Deli exprience so she knows the job fairly well but i still don't think she'd be too happy about working on her own with the workload in the deli every day.
I on the other hand have NO deli experience so sure didn't they decide to stop with this whole assistant buzz on my first day. Some say i should take it as a compliment that i'm thought highly enough of to handle it. I don't. You think the communist revolution in Cuba first started off as a few lads saying 'Ah sure they only ask us to work so much because they value us so much!'
I'm paid to work until 2 but for the last 4 days have been lucky to get everything done before 3 that day. Were it not for the hilarious intervention of our very own Cian on Tuesday i could only have dreamt of getting out by the half 2 we finally left at. I am not une tres happy cameprre. made up that last word so i did.

So if any of you do see me around during these next few days and I seem to be in some sort of zombie like waking coma don't be too worried, it's just the stress of chopping onions seeping out. I hate chopping onions, really fucks with my eyes- i have awfully sensitive eyes.
I suppose one positive is that if you ever happen to be at a party (god i remember when i had the time to go to parties) and fancy a professionally made snack just give me an auld nudge/wink. I'm a professional sandwhich maker now don't ya know. God i hate chicken tikka. Knackers eat deli food, i've been doing a sociological study on the side. It's conclusive. The downtrodden love the reheated.
Oh and if you ever actually saw how those breakfast roll ingredients start out i doubt you would ever eat a jumbo breakfasst roll again. Don't get me started on the BUCKET of mayonnaise. It...willl...make...you...wretch. Steve Hughes saw me reload the mayo dish and went white. He then told me to cancel the mayo from his order. No more of the white stuff for Hughesy. Stick to the coke Hughesy.

Right i can hear Cian getting on the lift (or ELEVATOR if you will) so i best wrap this up. I hate wrapping sandwiches. I hate wrapping baps even more. I hate wrapping wraps most of all.
Spare a thought for me as you lie in bed and i slowly position myself for an untimely demise. I don't want any cold meats at my funeral. In fact it's vealall round. I'm fuckin serious, one piece of turkey or ham(don't you love the way polish chicks say ham? ah it's great.) and i'm coming back and haunting you all on alternate weekends. Then nobody gets any lie ins ever again. Deal? Be sure to keep your end of the bargain.

Were any of you at Nick's 18th bday in my house? Hands up who saw the full blown lezz out show in the back garden? Wasn't that fuckin great.
Shame those two cows were such cunts who loved themselves so much?Well...actually...Maybe that's why they went after each other's c...nah never mind.

I should probably tone it down a little. That is until this becomes a subscription column. Oh then the gloves are off.


-Amores Perros-Ciano is a hero-Vetra, Vetra, fafangullo-


-I'm off to get a big red flag, some pamphlets and a soap box. Meet me in Tiannamen square at six-



Swanny

That Sylvia Plath one is a bit of a hero

So there i was about to head off to Lithuania thinking "Right so,i'll bang up a couple of columns while i'm over there. Should be nice n entertaining for everyone."
Well things happened, i failed to make it anywhere near a requisite level of creativity and so just spent a few days in a stupor of blurry alcoholism and near vintage one liners. Twas fantastic.

I thought about telling it all once i got back but there's alot i could never repeat here. We did however pull off one of the great escapes and manage to accquire eight of the finest breakfasts ever made from the most luxurious/expensive hotels in Lithuania through a daring move under the name of a certain Irish Journalist. That's all i can say. For now.

So i'm just throwing this little ditty up to make sure everyone knows i'm still alive after my quest in the former eastern bloc.

Before i go let's have a look at how my World Cup pedictions are working out...

So you all thought i was crazy huh? Well it seems my top nine teams have all performed admirably. The only exceptions being that Holland finished runner up to Argentina, a team i have as favourites-but more on them later, and France have gone and done exactly what i said they wouldn't. But they're French so that's hardly my fault. Another D-Day is what need is what i say, thin out their numbers. TO NORMANDY!!!!!
Now, of my potential surprise packages Sweden have done well and gave England quite a good game.
Mexico have made it to the second round but look like going to down to The Falklands, my favourites. See how it's all working out.

Ukraine, well sure they got a spanking from Spain but now they're looking pretty for the second round and like i said an eventual quarter final spot.

Japan,well ok they fell on their own samurai sword but lets not let that take away from the fact that they led Brazil for about the length of time it takes to boil an egg/Ronaldo to turn and shoot.

And the Ivory Coast are out. Looked unlucky though- someone has to die in the group of death,otherwise it would be the group of eternal life.

However, and this is my biggest point, I did promote the Italians and The Falklands as favourites. I also pointed out that England and Brazil aint that great-if you've been watching events unfurl in Deutschland, Germany then you'll know i'm a big feckin genius.

Who wants to touch me? I SAID WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME?!!!!
Oh you do have to love these fillers, mainly because they're getting awful frequent these days.

Ok, ok, i'll tell ya one story from Lithuania.

I'll set the scene- we had just left the hotel on our very first night-time outing in Vilnius. The decision about where we would go was heavily influenced by Paul and (the other) Eoin who were keen on watching a few titties bounce around. So me and Iano begrudgingly allowed them to drag us to a strip club. "Just for one" we said, course we did.
As we entered throught he thick shiny, black, metal door with a NO GUNS sign on the wall beside it Paul felt his Pervy sense kick in and bursted out with "This is no strip club, this is a brothel(and a sham and a fix...and a farce.)"
Right so it cost us over 20 euros each to get in, thats a full night out in Vilnius, and then thems brassers swarmed on us.
There was a menu and everything,great service.
Oh it was horrible, tits and snatches everywhere. You couldn't swing a cat in that place without it ending stuck in something. God it was horrific. So anyway me and Iano left. Jibbed it. Without paying for our drinks might i add.
Now from here on in the exact details of what ahppened next are not quite clear but from what i heard (the other)Eoin ran out of money and foolishly fell for it when one of the Rugs told him she'd follow him to the hotel and do him for free. Al he had to do was leave and she's follow him. He did.She didn't.
Viva La PAblo on the other hand was a totally different kettle of fish...he stayed,oh how he did stay.
He disputes certain points of this story but the way it's told now is that...
He fell asleep in a brothel,while on top.
Even UEFA know about it at this stage.
Ok he wasn't on top but he did fall asleep on his own for close to one whole hour and the brassers just sat there and laughed at him while taking from his pockets. I'll let him tell you all about what he got stuck in on the last night.I could never describe the fear without actually being there.


In other news, Lithuanian women are amazingly fantastically sexy and there are few things better than watching to of them dance together and wear the face off each other to Shakira's 'Hips don't lie' ditty. Oh to be the air between those lips. Best thing ever. And I include double sided tape in that.


-I could well be back,you might not-


Swanny

Let's make this a Ryanair turnaround

So we're all doing world cup columns are we?

Well no, we weren't but now we are because I’m jumping right on the bandwagon and hopefully I can do it with my own usual twists n such.I won't try and advocate gambling in the same way Basically Brian has or predict the way all the groups will go like Strictly Jonathan has.

I will however say one thing, Brian-I agree with you on most points but I will personally call to your house soon to smack you for discounting the Italians at this early stage.

England aside I would say they are the only team with a defensive unit capable of handling Brazil and in true Azzuri style they will probably only need one goal to win any game, not hard to come by with Toni, Totti, Cassano and Del Piero in the side.
Forza Azzuri.

S'SHUT UP!!!!

This attack may be in some way related to you trotting past Centra on Sunday morning without coming in to say hi. Myself, Jonathan and Mann Marie were all quite shocked. Then Mann Marie fell in love with a croissant.

Anyway, back to the World Cup. First off let's take a look at what the first few days have shown us...It seems that England may have got all that hype out of their system and realised they just aren't as good as they think. They need an own goal against Paraguay?
No top class holding midfielder, no fully fit/internationally proven striker and Joe Cole at his falling over best?
Brazil must be shitting themselves.


Then again...Brazil actually ain't lookin too hot either. Well they are, just not as scintillatingly scorching as everyone (myself included) thought they did a few months back.
Why? Well...
Roberto Carlos and Cafu have reached the age where they get senior citizen discounts on the team bus,
Ronaldo has obviously been doing his best to get himself rounder in an ill-educated attempt to improve aero-dynamics,
it looks like Dida might have hit the smack (he's on the brown) in the last six months at Milan,
some joker threw Ze Roberto in the starting XI and...
it is rumoured Brazil have finally realised that they need to focus on what they can and can't do well, as a result all central defenders claiming Brazilian nationality were shot so none could be selected.
Little known fact: In Brazil they call they area between the keeper and the midfield 'The Bermuda triangle', some funny shit happens in there.
England must be shitting themselves.


Then of course there's Ze Germans. Not looking too good, I mean really-who lets in two against Costa 'I bet you thought Wanchope was dead' Rica? Germany do. That being said of course they are the host nation and what with it being held in Germany that means they're all Germans, well not all of them but most of them, so they're sure to be frustratingly hard to get rid of. It took Churchill six years, Ronaldinho only has four weeks.
Fans of entertainment must be shitting themselves.

So if the two favourites(according to the bookies) and the hosts are not quite as solid as months of tabloid frenzy have been telling us then who else might stand a chance of sneaking a surprise win?

Well it seems France have been written of since they drew with Israel in Paris almost two years ago but any team with Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira and Zinedine Zidane can't be completely dismissed.
Yes, Zidane is nowhere near the mercurial god he was six or eight years ago but if he can recapture his past greatness for even just a couple of seconds in any one game then they can score against anyone. I don't think they're quite finished just yet.

Spain seem to have failed to impress in big tournaments enough times that we've all finally decided to ignore them but in Torres, Raul and the relatively little known David Villa they have plenty of attacking options which will be backed up by the machine-like precision of Xabi Alonso pulling the flamenco strings from midfield and with Iker 'im a robot' Cassilas in goal it will be hard to beat them. If they play as well as they can (and that's an if about as big as Ronaldo's belly) then this could be the time when the take the step up from second tier contenders to one of the top teams in world football.
Hang on...anyone else getting a sense of deja vu?


Holland are a little like Spain in that they have always been seen as outside favourites but this time they have taken a different approach by dropping many big names in favour of players playing their football in Holland and it seems to have worked as this is the first time in about 137 years that they haven't all ripped each others throats out in the build up to the tournament.
Also like Spain, they have a couple of youngish lads in the shape of Wesley Sneijder and Dirk Kuyt who are relatively unknown on the world stage and stand to be potential secret weapons.
Holland are unbeaten in competitive matches under Van Basten and seem a good bet to go further than expected.
Potential semi finalists but should at least give us a whopper grudge match quarter final against their perennial enemies Germany.

Now I’m going to stick my neck out on this one, I’m going for the Argies.
Argentina have started well with a win against a very handy Ivory Coast side and with Messi, Riquelme, Crespo, Ayala, Heinze and Carlos Tevez they definitely have the ability to go all the way. This talent coupled with the drive harvested from their shameful first round exit four years ago makes them a formidable force.
Many have said that in Veron's abscence they lack leadership and experience but it seems that the football world has been taken by storm by players like Rooney and Messi- players who play without fear. Fear/caution often comes from too much knowledge/experience.
In a nice twist the draw also favours them, they can't meet Brazil (a team most likely to know the way around them due to many previous victories) until the final, if they win their group. The main question is if they rely too heavily on Riquelme, as teams around him often do, can he hold his nerve or will he bottle it as he did in the Champions league semi-final against Arsenal?


Of the other teams who I don't quite fancy to pose a real threat but still could cause the odd famous upset i'm going for Ukraine, Sweden, Mexico, The Ivory Coast, Japan and just for Strictly Jonathan- South Korea.

Ukraine didn't win a qualifying group with Denmark, Greece and Turkey for nowt and with an often unheralded sturdy defense backing up Andriy 'I used to be a Milanese legend/almost a god but now i'm a filthy gold digger playing for the most boring team in football, and in doing so have really REALLY upset Eoin and Paul' Shevchenko they will very possibly reach the quarter finals. Where Brazil will give them a spanking, probably.
Then Shevchenko will sign for Brazil.


Sweden may have drawn with Tinidad and Tobago (possibly the most heroic team to play in the world cup ever) but they played some very nice football and can be a delight to watch. Not a huge fan of Ibrahimovic (cos he's a bit of a knacker) but he's handy enough. Seems to be the first centre forward over the height of six foot to play with total control of his limbs.
Then of course there's Henrik.
A very strong team spirit and some fantastic attacking players. Could very well beat a Rooney-less England. And sure if that happens what's to stop them?


Mexico have silently snuck up on world football with a team made up of many players still plying their trade several thousand miles from the tv cameras of Europe and scored for fun on the way to the finLed by Barca's very impressive Marquez they will pose a much greater threat to big names than in previous years. After all they did beat Brazil 3-1 last year. Wouldn't it be great if they beat the U.S in the second round? Ah of course it would. Coronas all round please.


The Ivory Coast (also known as the elephants for some reason) are technically rated as Africa's second best nation (after losing to Tunisia in the African Nations cup final) but few would doubt their claims to being the best team to come from the continent in a good few years.
With the ever disgusting cheater Didier Drogba they have a hugely talented, if horribly annoying, frontman and in Didier Zokora, Emanuel Eboue and those mischievous Toure brothers they have a solid midfield and defense. If they weren't so good their group wouldn't be called the group of death.


Japan have been getting better and better with every passing tournament and they showed at the confederations cup that they can mix it with the big boys without resorting to thuggish tactics but rather playing attractive attacking football.This could be the tournament where Celtic's Nakamura becomes a lucrative name of Nakata status. If all goes according to plan for Japan we may not see him in a Celtic shirt again.
Which would be a shame; according to the Celtic fans “he eats chow mein and he votes Sinn Fein.” At least it would mean Aidan McGeady wouldn't have to scrub his boots anymore. (Note to Deco: he doesn't actually clean his boots, it’s a figure of speech.)

South Korea: Jonathan seems to think they're gonna do well. He really believes in them!


So here's the final breakdown

Potential Winners:
Brazil, England, Argentina, Italy, Germany

Sleeping giants who could wake up any minute now:
Holland, Spain, France, Portugal

Potential cheeky upstarts:
Sweden, Ukraine, Japan, Ivory Coast, South Korea (?) and Mexico.

Teams we probably won't even remember playing once the group stages finish:
Paraguay, Switzerland, Tunisia

Eastern European teams:
Croatia, Czech Republic, Serbia and (used to be) Montenegro, Poland

Will probably bomb the Germans if they don't win:
Take a guess.of.A

Who let them in?
Togo, Ghana, Togo, Iran, Togo, Angola, Togo, Saudi Arabia

Teams I thought were shit until they beat Poland:
Ecuador

We cloned Paulo Wanchope:
Costa Rica

Australians:
Australia

Heroes, absolute heroes:
Trinidad and Tobago- god i hope they win it.


Think I got everyone there.

Well that was very long, took me quite awhile in fact. Hope the football fans of you out there enjoyed it.

I hope some of you disagree, I’m sure Deco and Basically Brian will-they disagree with everything I say. Let me know if you do. Don't be surprised if you get smacked upside the head though. Can't say I didn't warn ya.

Finally-Aine if you have read this far then you are truly my biggest fan as I’m sure none of this could have interested you. So here's the deal, you constantly complain that I never mention you, well if you let me know that you read this column before next Tuesday then I will gladly devote an entire column to you. Here's your big chance Jacko, hope you take it.
Oh by the way, it’s no good if you just say you read it, I’ll be checking to make sure you STUDIED it.



Coming soon: The Centra Column- Starring IL Signe, Strictly Jonathan, Mann Marie and Defiantly Duffer. IN JustDonal's Box soon!!!!

Viva la World Cup

-Swanny-

I bet you don't know what the just-donal dashboard is,do you? ha,hate that.You would if you were one of us.But you're not.

An open letter to Declan O'Connor


Dear Declan,

I write to you in the spirit of friendship and the hope of rectifying an issue which stands to cause the implosion of not only your summer, but also the summer months of many others. Not since the early days of the Kyoto agreement has one been required to write a letter in the hope of rescuing an entire season form the jaws of doom.

In the past few days there have been murmurings of your impending decision to cease all drinking of alcohol. If this is in fact your goal i must register my strong distaste for your new found tea-totalling trend.

I have consulted closely with my resident jock Barry Gallagher on this issue and we have both agreed it must not be allowed to continue in the fear that your decision may permeate the minds of others, namely Flynner and Johnner, and in doing so rob us of yet more brave partying souls.

And what are your reasons for playing around with the sober wagon in the street of sensibility? You say money. I say bollocks. You have a well paying job full of wafers and lock boxes. You have infinitely more funds than Dan 'i'm a big closet joy-boy' Flynn and so should be at least able to match him in the boozing stakes. It is because of these facts that i refuse to accept monetary difficulties as a reason for exiting the party circuit.

On the other hand, if you have infact enough money then there must be some other reason for you turning the universe upside down, inside out and around and around and around and around and...you get the idea. So what is it? I have a few theories, let me elaborate.

Possibility 1) You have realised in your older years what we all realised when you were in or around the age of 16...Deco drunk is a complete nutter with little or no boundaries. This leads to incidents such as the infamous 'JabbaGate', 'runningaroundveniceinboxers-gate' and 'SickalloverAoifeslaptop-gate'. These are merely the icing on the cake for the rest of us Dec, no need to cut them out. In fact i quietly hope for many more in the future.

Possibility 2) Deco has done the near impossible and blown a 'funny-fuse'. This is the theory that as a result of running the funny meter at about 11 (the meter is only designed to go to 10) that you have finally burnt out your 'funny-fuse' and the section of your brain designated to the aul session life has become worn out and possibly a little rusty a la the brakes on an F1 car that have not been changed for approx five long years. We're talking serious breakdown and costly repair work here. But by no means an immpossibility.

Possibility 3) You're just gone gay on us.

Possibility 4) You have infact been part of the most elaborate undercover sociological study ever undertaken. It remains plausible that in what would be a study more impressive than Jane Goodall with them primates you have infact been living amongst 'us' and all the while studying our every behavioral act. Perhaps this was once true and a la Johnny Depp in Donnie Bracso you became too deeply involved with your subject and have to be dragged out by the higher powers.

Possibility 5) You figure Cheeze is going to need a liver transplant at some stage so at least one of us should keep one clean.

I hope you now realise the extent to which your new found lifestyle of tea drinking, tree hugging, leaf smoking etc. worries me and to what lengths i will go to change you back.

It's not that i don't find you fun when you're sopber,oh quite the opposite in fact, it's just that you're a bit like Ronaldinho. Not in football terms obviously.
You see when you're sober it's like watching ronaldinho ahve an alright game. Now while this is fantastically entertaining by most people's standards we all know there is so much more potential. Deco drunk is like Ronaldinho scoring a bicycle from his own cross that he delivered with a backheel after beating 14 players. It's fan-fookin-tastic.

I urge all of you out there who wish to see deco drunk again to contact him with messages of support. Come on Dec, you can do it.

Finally Dec, i'm afraid you're just not famous enough (yet) to amke being sober cool. Give it 5 years.


Kind regards,

-Swanny-